


Spells, Snacks, and Shenanigans

by kiwilicious



Series: Spells, Snacks, and Shenanigans [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, loving teasing, they sound mean but it's out of love I swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2019-01-06 15:08:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12213354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiwilicious/pseuds/kiwilicious
Summary: A love for hummus turns into a loving prank war between Taako and Kravitz as they use all the skills and spells at their disposal for some big goofs.





	1. Gourmet Goofs

**Author's Note:**

> I headcanon Kravitz as a paladin/bard multiclass and picked his spells accordingly.

Taako was sitting on his bed, reading a magazine he stole from Fantasy Costco, when the whole room suddenly became cold. He felt feathers caress his arms and wrap around him. He shivered a little as Kravitz materialized against his back and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Oh god, it's you," Taako giggled with mock disgust, "I thought you were dead so I have a hot date tonight, you can make yourself dinner."

"Oh really? Maybe I should pay him a visit and see if he's interested in the three of us having some fun," Kravitz snapped his fingers and his black cloak disappeared in a small cloud of smoke. Taako laughed and set down his magazine down beside him. 

"Fine, asshole, I lied about the hot date, but I am having dinner with Lup, so you can just warm up some leftovers," Taako stood up to face Kravitz and placed a hand on his cheek softly. "Unless you are so helpless that you can't handle putting some pre-cooked food into the microwave." Taako gave him a gentle kiss on the lips and poked him on the nose before turning away to pick his outfit for his dinner with Lup. Kravitz chuckled and walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge.

"Babe? Did you eat my hummus?" Kravitz asked while moving some food around in the fridge.

"Nope." Taako answered, a little too quickly. Kravitz walked into the bedroom and found Taako looking at about ten different outfits, spread out across the room. Kravitz held up his hand and a wisp of black smoke comes out of his palm.

"Taako, sweetie, did you eat my hummus?" Taako spun around and looked at him with a smug grin on his face.

"Yes I did!" Taako declared proudly, then his grin dropped as he realized what he said. "Yes. Yes. Yes. Goddamnit, you Zone of Truthed me!"

"I KNEW you ate my hummus, you fucker!" Kravitz was trying very hard to hide his smile and he was sure he was failing. "You know I love hummus more than you. You will pay for this, babe, and vengeance will be swift." Taako stared at him as he ranted, giggling a bit.

"You're so cute when you get mad about food. When you're at work I wear your pajamas. I know that you've been stealing my lotion. Since I don't need to sleep I just watch you sleep, and occasionally mess with you. I let you win when we play chess (and that's even with your cheating that I definitely know about). Avi didn't steal your gameboy, I loaned it to Magnus and he lost it. I actually am loving this zone of truth right now because I love you so much, babe!" Taako finished his speech and took a small bow before giving Kravitz a deep long kiss. Kravitz laughed into Taako's mouth and pulled him close as he felt Taako's foot pop up.

"God you're pathetic, hon. Get dressed and go to dinner before Lup leaves me another passive aggressive note on our door." Taako gave him another nose boop before turning back to his clothes on the bed. He showed a couple of outfits to Kravitz before they decided on a black lace floor-length dress and Kravitz let him borrow one of his black feather cloaks for some extra drama. Paired with some silver pumps and a shiny gold belt for accent, he would certainly stand out at dinner. Every time Lup and Taako spend time together they compete over ridiculously extravagant outfits. Once Taako was ready to go he kissed Kravitz goodbye and set off. Kravitz sighed and returned to the kitchen to find some food and stared blankly at the fridge as he started to form a devious idea. He gathered some spell components and got to work.

\--- 

About forty-five minutes into Taako's dinner date, Kravitz arrived outside the restaurant. He looked inside and saw Taako sitting across from Lup, who was wearing an almost glowing silver pantsuit and thigh-high stiletto heels. Kravitz held out his arm and summoned a raven who sat perched. He tied up a small pouch that contained some honeycomb, a bit of jade dust, and ten gold coins, then hid the pouch inside a big bouquet of flowers. He had the raven grab the bouquet and then it flew inside. Kravitz watched as the bird flew to Taako's table and delivered the bouquet. He said something to Lup, probably about how wonderful his boyfriend is. He then grabbed the bouquet as the flowers themselves began shouting so loud Kravitz could hear it outside the restaurant. The flowers had the voice of Kravitz doing a very bad impression of Taako. Taako dropped the bouquet on the table as it shouted:

"MY NAME IS TAAKO AND I HAD A SEX DREAM ABOUT LEON THE ARTIFICER LAST NIGHT. ALSO, I'M SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO HUMMUS." 

Upon hearing that Kravitz began laughing hysterically, loud enough that Taako looked out the window directly at him with a bewildered and mortified look in his eyes. Leon, from two tables over, just put his head in his hands and just started groaning. Lup fell onto on the floor, laughing so hard she was sobbing. Taako used Blink to appear outside the restaurant next to Kravitz instantaneously and was so angry he couldn't even form words, which made Kravitz laugh harder.

"Laugh all you want, dickbag, it's my turn and BELIEVE ME, I. Will. Not. Hold. Back." Kravitz started to feel a little bad before noticing that Taako was smiling just a tiny bit. Taako calmed down a bit, closed his eyes, and took a very deep breath. "Okay, hun. That was a very good goof and I'm proud of you. I also now demand that you pay for dinner to atone for your transgression." Kravitz laughed and with a flourish produced a credit card and handed it to Taako. Taako grabbed it with a little bit of a pout on his face, then gently touched his face and gave him a sweet little kiss. Once Taako pulled back Kravitz glanced inside at Lup only to see her staring at the two of them with a big grin. Upon making eye contact with Kravitz, she gave him a big wink. Taako bowed, and then disappeared instantly, reappearing at his table, sitting with a wine glass and his legs gracefully crossed. Kravitz watched as Taako beckoned the waiter over and ordered 8 of something, handing over the credit card. Kravitz chuckled at him and snapped his fingers, teleporting home.


	2. Marsh Mischief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will our boys' prank war get out of hand? Kravitz takes an unexpected swamp vacation. Lup pays a visit. Taako looks hella fresh.

"Well, fuck." Kravitz muttered as he sat up in bed to realize that he was in a swamp. He was surrounded by trees, and when he tried to stand up he found himself ankle-deep in mud. Last he remembered he went to bed next to Taako last night, and upon looking closer there was a note pinned to a tree close by.

K.  
Went to train with the bois, be back later.  
Love ya, T. 

Kravitz put his head in his hands and sighed. He morphed into a raven and flew up and landed on a tree branch directly overhead, and returned to human form.

"Taako?" Kravitz shouted, hoping for a response.

"Yes?" Taako whispered directly beside Kravitz on the branch, causing him to almost fall off. After a regaining his composure a bit, he takes a deep breath and grabs Taako's hand gently.

"So what did you do this morning, babe?" Kravitz asked Taako, looking in wonder at the swamp they're in.

"Just trained with the boys, not much else," Taako giggled a bit.

"Don't make me Zone of Truth you. Cause I'll do it." Kravitz smiled.

"Fine, fine, I had a lil bit of fun. But that's not important. Do you know what IS important?" He asked excitedly. Kravitz turned to look at him, his face soft with love. 

"What? What's so important?" Taako put his face close to Kravitz and grinned.

"Taako and Kravitz, sittin in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G." Taako sang with a little dance. Kravitz laughed and grabbed Taako's face, pulling him into a deep kiss. Taako placed his hands on Kravitz's neck and slid one of them up into his hair. Then Taako pulled one hand away and snapped his fingers, and suddenly they were back in their room and fell down onto the bed. 

"Thank god! It was starting to smell" Kravitz raised one eyebrow and stroked Taako's face before standing up. "Now I've got to go to work, promise me that this room will still be here when I get back." Kravitz's black feather cloak appeared out of nothing as he was walking to the door.

"Kill some motherfuckers for me!" Taako said with a wave. After he disappeared into thin air, Taako laid down on the bed and clutched his pillow, unable to stop smiling. He buried his face into the pillow and giggled a bit. 

\---

A month passed, with Taako and Kravitz pranking each other every week. One week Kravitz shrunk all of Taako's clothes (which Taako responded to by wearing them anyway, saying that he still looked hella fresh). Another week Taako trapped Kravitz in the pocket spa with a wild raccoon (he made sure it didn't have rabies but was disappointed when they ended up being friends). Eventually, they ended up tiptoeing around each other worried that another prank was coming. One day, after a long day of work, Kravitz came home to find Taako laying in bed, facing away from him. He started walking over to him, but he froze. Something was off. Kravitz stepped back nervously.

"Hello Lup," Kravitz greeted cordially, "can I ask why you're in my boyfriend's bed?" Lup rolled over to face Kravitz and he realized she was wearing her brother's onesie pajamas. 

"We should spend some time together. You're very . . . " Lup gestured to Kravitz, " . . . Weird. But Taako seems to like you so maybe we should hang. But you're absolutely not allowed to talk about weird sex stuff you do to my brother or so help me I will set you on fire," Lup stood up and unzipped the onesie to reveal an incredibly fashionable pale pink jumpsuit with a large, clunky necklace as a statement piece. She walked to the door and as she passed Kravitz, she leaned in close.

"You are absoLUTELY paying for dinner," and she disappeared. Kravitz stood there and wondered where they were supposed to meet because she never said where. Suddenly a small note floated down in front of him, bearing the details of their hangout.

\---

Kravitz arrived and wondered if he might be overdressed, considering he was wearing a nice tux and Lup had taken them to some sort of food truck on the quad. He stopped worrying about being overdressed once he saw Lup wearing a black satin ballgown and silver silk gloves. He walked over and greeted her, and she looked him up and down and raised one eyebrow.

"What the hell are you wearing?" She laughed and tugged on his bowtie, and when he self-consciously looked down she flicked him on the nose. "God, that is THE oldest trick in the book." She snort-laughs and turns around to order food at the truck. When the server handed her the order it was meat wrapped in some kinda flatbread, with various vegetables on it. Kravitz ordered the same and found a bench to sit on. 

"So what's up, my man?" Lup asked between bites of her meat wrap. Kravitz looked at her nervously, unsure what answer she wanted.

"Sitting here, eating weird meat with my boyfriend's sister, wondering if she's part of an elaborate trick he's playing," Kravitz didn't look at her, focusing instead on his meat wrap. She cackled at that.

"Wouldn't you like to know." She said, not really asking it as a question. "Look, man," she said while looking at him, "I know I come off as a bit intense sometimes but I love Taako dearly. Which is why I want in."

"In on what?" Kravitz looked up at her.

"I've got this amazing plan to really fuck him up but you'll need my help to pull it off. What do you say?" Lup put her hand out, asking for a handshake to seal the deal. Kravitz didn't know what to think. On one hand, this seems like a super obvious trap. On the other hand, he really did want Lup to like him. After a moment of thought, he grabbed Lup's hand and shook it. Partners in crime.


	3. Too Far

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disaster strikes as the prank war reaches a breaking point. Lup gets inspired. Kravitz has a meeting with the boss. Avi does his job.

Kravitz sighed as he looked over the instructions Lup left him. It was an incredibly detailed plan outlined and stapled to a blueprint of the Bureau of Balance base (which he probably shouldn't have since he wasn't technically a member). Lup demanded to take the lead on the execution of the prank, and Kravitz let her since it was her idea. Right now Lup had taken Taako down planetside to perform her part (she kept explaining what she was doing down there but Kravitz still didn't understand). Once they were finished on the planet Taako would come back to the base and they would finish the plan together. Kravitz fidgeted with the hem of his cloak, worried about how Taako would feel about this whole endeavor. The process involved a pure-bred show cat, a unicorn tail taken fresh off of the unicorn, and a small painted urn made by a particular expert sculptor from Neverwinter. Lup had taken Taako to find these things, but they should have been back by now. 

After a while Kravitz decided to take a seat in one of the folding chairs sitting nearby. He anxiously scanned the hangar bay and saw Avi sitting at the cannon console across the hangar, looking at screens and flipping switches. He was very focused on the computers and seemed to barely notice Kravitz was there. Kravitz's mind started to wander while staring at Avi. What if there's a problem with the pods? What if Lup and Taako's pod crashed? While Kravitz was beginning to panic he realized that Avi was staring at him and waving. Startled, Kravitz awkwardly waved back. He wanted to check in on them but Lup explicitly said to not to disturb them or watch them in any way, which probably means they're doing some illegal things. He stood up and began pacing back in forth. If they ARE in trouble though, they might need help.

Moments later, Avi stands up and moves to the landing platforms and began hitting switches at the computer nearby. Kravitz froze and watched him work, and moments after a glass orb slid into a tube protruding from the side of the moon. The sphere descended through the tube and came to a stop on the landing platform. The sphere split open and Lup stepped out.

"Lup! Thank heavens, I was so worried!" Kravitz started walking towards her and froze. "Where's Taako?" Lup looked him in the eyes, and Kravitz couldn't read her face.

"Look, Kravitz, I don't know what happened. We were just . . . " she trailed off and dropped her gaze. "He's gone. I don't know where. It must have been a spell gone wrong." Kravitz just stood frozen and stared at her.

"What do you mean, he's gone? What the hell were you two doing down there anyway?" Kravitz took a step back and began shaking his head. "So what? Is he dead?"

"No! I don't think so anyway! He's just . . . Not here? I don't know the specifics" Lup stepped towards him, but she noticed that his face started changing. It started turning into his skeletal face. Suddenly she touched his shoulder and he froze, then softened. His face started returning to human. 

"We need to do something." He muttered to himself as he reached into his coat and pulled out a fistful of black feathers and arranged them into a circle on the ground. He whispered an incantation and a light began radiating out of the center of the circle. A deep, soothing voice came from the light.

"Hello, Kravitz. It is very good to see you. Is there something you require from me?"

"My Lady, may I request a meeting with you? There is something urgent I must ask of you." Kravitz asked in a polite, yet panicked tone.

"Of course, my child. I have been expecting this. Come to my plane and I'll help however I can." The soothing voice of the Raven Queen was calming Kravitz down a bit. He stood up and summoned his scythe, then slashed the air to open a portal. He started to go through it, but he turned back and grabbed Lup's hand and pulled her through as well.

They arrived in a dark castle corridor, lit by many candles along the floors. The two of them followed the hallway and arrived at some stone steps leading up to a black, winged throne. Standing next to the throne was a tall figure that was wearing a black, slinky, sleeveless dress, but had the head of a six-eyed raven. They also had large black wings protruding from the sleeves of the dress. 

"Kravitz, my sweet, you didn't tell me we had company," The Raven Queen began to change their form to that of a beautiful dark elf, with long, flowing, and cosmically infinite curly hair. They descended down the stairs with otherworldly grace and approached Lup, towering above her even in their reduced form. The Raven Queen took Lup's hand and kissed it graciously, then gently touched Lup's cheek. Lup, meanwhile, was frozen in awe. 

"Oh my god. You're so - I mean I -" Lup stammered. "Can I just say that all of this? I am LOVING it."

"My Lady, can you help us find someone? He's disappeared and we don't know where." Kravitz politely requested while dropping to his knees.

"I believe I know who you seek," the Raven Queen kneeled down in front of Kravitz and cupped his face in their hands. "Is it one you love?"

"Yes, my queen," Kravitz answered quietly, his voice trembling a little.

"Ah, yes. He visited me. He had something very important to ask me." They stood up and pulled Kravitz to his feet. "And I think you should know, I gave him my blessing." 

"What do you mean? What did he ask you?" Kravitz started to worry again. The Raven Queen laughed and suddenly, Kravitz felt somebody tapping his shoulder. He spun around to see Taako, grinning. He was wearing a black suit, which was very unusual for him. Kravitz looked at Lup but she was just standing there with the exact same grin. When he looked back in front of him, he saw Taako on one knee. In his hand was a ring.


	4. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The prank war comes to a peaceful and happy end. Lup high fives a goddess. Kravitz admires his new ring. Taako looks hella fresh in a suit.

"I - I uh . . . " Kravitz stammered as he stared at Taako, who was still grinning.

"Come on, babe, you're not gonna make me say the words are you?" 

Kravitz laughed and grabbed the ring out of Taako's hands. He inspected it closely. It was a gold band that held a large diamond in the center, with black onyx wings extending from the diamond. He slid it onto his finger with a flourish.

"This is goddamn gorgeous, and fucking, OF COURSE. Like yes, absolutely. But you better start explaining some things or so help me you're not invited to the wedding." Kravitz said as Taako stood up. 

"What's to explain? I recruited Lup to recruit you to pull some big shenanigan and while you were doing that we went ring shopping and I asked your mom here for her blessing. Call me old-fashioned." Taako listed while counting the events on his fingers.

"She's not my mom, she's my boss," Kravitz looked behind him to see the Raven Queen beaming with pride as they waved at him. "Okay fine, mother figure. But goddamn, you scared the hell out of me." Kravitz said with a softened voice as he wrapped his arms around Taako's waist. "I was so scared that I'd lost you."

"I'm sorry I scared you. I just wanted something dramatic. Can we call a truce on the pranks?" Taako rested his hand on Kravitz's cheek and stroked it with his thumb. Kravitz answered by pulling him into a deep, passionate kiss. Lup slides over to the Raven Queen and holds up her palm, requesting a high five. The Raven Queen laughs and, complies, giving Lup a high five that is cold yet warm, tangible yet ethereal. Lup then slid over behind Taako, who, while still kissing Kravitz, held out his hand behind him to receive her high five. 

\-----

A few days later Kravitz stood outside the training dojo entrance on the bureau headquarters, watching Taako deliver the news to Merle, Magnus, and Angus, who were sitting in front of him. After a moment of him talking the three stood up and started hugging Taako. He made a disgusted face but Kravitz could tell he was smiling. In a bit of extra drama, Taako evaporated into a cloud of mist and appeared next to Kravitz, which caused the group hug to collapse in on itself. Taako laughed at his friends currently laying in a heap on the floor. Kravitz looked fondly at Taako, and after a moment Taako slowed down laughing and looked over to catch Kravitz staring.

"What the fuck are you looking at?" Taako teased with a smile on his face.

"I just really fucking love you, okay?" Kravitz declared while grabbing Taako's hand and lacing their fingers together. 

"Everybody does, babe, you're gonna have to get in line." Taako gave him a quick peck on the cheek that was immediately followed by Kravitz coming back in for a deep, full kiss. He put his hands on the small of Taako's back and pulled him in close, dipping him a bit, while Taako put his hands on Kravitz's cheeks and popped his foot up. Suddenly the door opens beside them and from the doorway appears Angus.

"Hello sirs! Congratulations are in order! I know I haven't officially met you, Mr. Kravitz, but you seem like a swell guy and I'm sure you'll make Taako very happy!" Angus chirps excitedly before realizing that the two hadn't stopped kissing and were ignoring him. "That's okay! We can talk about it later! Have fun!" Angus walked away. Taako giggled a bit into Kravitz's mouth.

"I love you so much." Taako whispered and leaned his forehead against Kravitz's.


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short ending to a wild ride.

"You may now kiss the groom!" Merle declared as Taako launched himself at Kravitz to kiss his new husband. The crowd cheered as they kissed, and kept kissing, and eventually the crowd got a little uncomfortable with the solid two minutes of kissing. Lup didn't stop clapping loudly the entire time, however.

"Fuck yeah! Get it, bro!" Lup screamed even though she was standing right beside Taako. Eventually Taako started taking off Kravitz's jacket and lifting up his shirt.

"Hey! Not in front of Pan, kids" Merle interjected and gave Taako's leg a smack. The newlyweds laughed and let go of each other.

\--- 

The reception was held in the voidfish chamber, and the voidfish filled the hall with it's happy singing. Taako and Kravitz danced on an elevated platform that Magnus carved, while everyone else danced on the floor below. After a while Lup climbed up on the platform and handed Taako her maid of honor bouquet. She than started clinking a fork on Taako's wine glass to silence everyone.

"Hello, people! My brother has a request to make of you all!" Lup yelled down to the guests.

"Thank you, Lup. Now then, I would appreciate if you all would . . . " Taako grabbed her bouquet, then launched it into the hall with as much power as he could muster. "CRAWL FOR IT, BITCHES!" The bouquet sailed through the air and slammed Avi in the face, and upon impact it exploded into a shower of petals and stems. The crowd started cheering and patting Avi on the shoulder, as he looked around a little anxiously. Johann walked over to Avi and held out his hand, inviting him to dance. Avi laughed and accepted, the two of them grabbing hands, pulling each other close, and dancing to the music. 

Taako laughed up on his platform and turned back to Kravitz. Kravitz reached into his tux pocket and pulled out a hotel room card and raised one eyebrow. The two of them approached the edge of the platform, and drew the attention of the people below. They grabbed hands, lifted them in the air, and then instantly disappeared in a puff of smoke. The crowd murmured below, and Lup started clapping loudly at the performance. Taako's disembodied voice echoed in the hall.

"It's fuckin' honeymoon time! Peace out, y'all!"


End file.
